Bring Back America

Every now and then an oldie resurfaces.

One night Al Gore had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

This dream interrupted his dream about the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden,
so he was quite agitated as he tried to keep pace with the LORD on the beach.

Anyway, across the sky flashed scenes from Al’s life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
a massive heart attack while giving a speech at a Denny’s
to the six remaining believers in global warming in 2017,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints, and they were very deep in the sand.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it.

“Well,” said Al, “this confirms my suspicions about organized religion. The delusion, the abandonment-“

The LORD replied:
“Shut your pie-hole, fat boy.
During the times when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I was carrying your sorry, whining lard-ass. My quads are still sore.”

Al Gore then pointed to some large, black oily footprints.
“What’s that?” he asked.

God replied,
“Those are your carbon footprints, ninny.
While you were lecturing the world about global warming,
that ozone-eating compound you call a home was glowing
so brightly we could see if from Heaven.”

“Huh,” said Al Gore, squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to return to the pasta bowl dream.

God said,
“We’re not done, Nancy-boy. Do you see up ahead, where there’s a large indentation alongside my footprints?”

“Yes,” replied Al Gore. “What’s that?”

“That’s when I fell over laughing when you said you invented the internet, Einstein.”

“And why are my footprints in a circle over there?”

“Election of 2000,” replied God.

“LORD,” said Al Gore, “you have shown me much in this dream. And I see that some of my decisions and choices have been ill-advised. What can I do to change?”

“Simple,” replied the LORD, smiling. “Just. Shut. Up.”

From someone on the internet:

Have a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you. Instead, it will detonate any explosive device you are carrying. This will eliminate bitching about racial profiling and it will eliminate long and expensive trials. Justice will be swift. Case closed!

From The Power That Be.

I spoke to a friend in Alaska today and received some very disturbing news.  In light of the announcement that Toyota was recalling the Prius (several hundred thousand of them), many polar bears have decided to go ahead and take their own lives rather than wait and endure the environmental devastation that will result from not having those planet-saving hybrids on the road.  Attached are some photos of attempted polar bear suicide.  Please note that these pictures are not for the faint of heart.  Very sad…

This photo shows a polar bear attempting to hurl himself in front of a speeding bus.

This photo shows a polar bear after he hurled himself off of an icy cliff.

This photo shows a polar bear attempting to hook a hose to a non-prius exhaust pipe.

This photo shows a polar bear attempting to kiss his ass goodbye.

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Names for Success